Why is it, so much of everything changes once you have been drinking. For me, once i have been drinking, I start thinking about stuff that would never normally cross my mind. Things like family, where my life is heading and how I am going to achieve what I want from it all. For example, had a couple of drinks tonight, with one of the fag hags. Since I have got home all this family stuff has hit me. It’s so difficult, cause although I have quite  a big family, I sometimes struggle to find where I fit into it all.

On my dads side, my aunty and uncle, their kids are completely different to me. A couple of them, only a few years older, already have kids and live in council houses. It makes it difficult, cuase although they are family, it’s people like that I sometimes despise. Mooching of the government and my taxes.

In the morning I know I probably wont give it a second thought. I mean I know I should probably see my parents more, chat to my sister more about things that are going on with her and make more of an effort to see my extended family. But then I sober up in the morning and it dosn’t cross my mind because it is clouded by all the trivial day to day stuff. it makes me wonder, what it is about alcohol that brings all this out. I understand it rids you of inhibitions, but why does all the emotional stuff get bought up as well??

the other thing I have been fighting with the last couple days is what I want to achieve at the moment. And the fact that part of me wants to just run away. Move, to another part of england, or just a different country. At the moment I am so confused about what I want from life. I mean normally I am happy. But I dont know if the lack of a set goal is leaving me empty. I think that is one of the worse things, knowing somethign isn’t right, but NOT knowing how to solve the problem.

I will most likely look at this in the morning like ‘who the bloody hell wrote all this stuff’ but that doesn’t make it any less real as I write it. No doubt it will all work out.

Don’t you wish sometimes you could just rack it up a gear??

you know when you’re not achieveing something fast enough, something isn’t happening as quickly as you want it to, your goal never seems to be closer?

I’m having one of those panic moments right now. It’ll pass, and I know I will be fine in the morning. But I have just seen a bunch of stuff that has made me want to dive in and just change everything like a bull in a china shop. Sometimes I just wish everything didn’t take so long.

You spend ages filling over cracks in the wall, covering it in barriers, bricks anything you can find. And sometimes to steal some song quotes ‘the walls come tumbling down’ no matter what you do. It sucks. Once again you have to pick everything up, trying again to not drop the ball, fighting what seems like un-beatable odds at every turn. the worse bit is sometimes it’s you you have to face, your own mental persona, your barriers. That you need to brake through.

Then on the other side you think ‘pffff wasn’t that bad’ only to get dragged back in.

Then the next day everything is fine and you carry on. I think it’s the fact that it dosn’t make sense that I struggle with sometimes. Not actually dealing with the thing itself.

I don’t even know what I’m saying, but I have a lump in my throat and it is hard to concentrate. I know I am happy, and tomorrow I will be fine. It’s just I always forget people have weaknesses, and when you discover some in yourself you have to roll with the punches. Sometimes I over estimate myself, which is why I end up like this. I need to learn, that on an every day basis I’m ok, but when I find something isn’t how I want it, I shouldn’t panic. Because I can change it :)

Thanks tumblr for letting me spaff my inane ramblings into the internet.

So it’s my birthday in a couple weeks, the big 20. And I aint gonna lie, I am really excited. But really nervous at the same time.

I remember that age when you are younger, and you think ‘god im never gonna get old, or never gonna grow up, or get a proper job etc, I’m just gonna be a kid and do what i want’.

WRONG

it doesn’t work out like that. However what I am realizing, is that the ride to this end makes it worth it. Over the last few weeks, I have had some amazing times, some pretty bad times, and learnt some lessons. It has been great. But I am now getting a start on my career and finnaly getting serious about looking for my own flat. I have found a buddy, so just gotta find the right place now :) The pace of change is exciting! but again it’s one of those things that’s a bit nerve racking.

The point is I’m growing up. I always promised myself, my childhood would never die, and I have worked so hard to make this true, I think it actually is. I will always be that guy with a slightly crude sense of humor and the odd bit of immaturity here and there. It keeps things fresh, and gives everyone a chuckle. At the end of the day if i can be a grown up when I need to be. Then why worry when I DON’T need to be one.

I’ve quit smoking, which for the first few days has made me feel like death! I will never smoke again, quitting has been so bad, I never want to repeat the process again. Not to mention I am already reaping some of the health benefits and it feels good XD

Something else I wanted to mention. Been reading through a lot of the gay blogs today and it has made me realise that terrible defect where gay men have a horrible tendency to fall for straight guys. Albeit someone they know, or even a best friend. I don’t know why this is, but I conclude it has something to do with it being like the ultimate goal. I mean think about it, they are practically unobtainable, forbidden fruit. But if you managed to sway them, you would be earning a buck load of kudos. Not to mention, straight guys normally epitomize everything we find attractive in a guy! I have been unlucky enough to fall foul of this problem. My first guy crush was on one of my close straight friends. IT SUCKED! the best advice I would give to anyone, no matter how shit it is, run and don’t get involved. FULL STOP.

My final thought for the blog is, well to be honest, it might be completely pointless but hey ho. I know my ex is on here, I don’t know if he reads my blog, or avoids it like the plague. But I read his occasionally, just to like, check he is doing alright you know? I am adult enough to realise, even if we ended on bad times, no one deserves too much shit thrown at them. So I like to see how he is doing, cause I do actually hope he does well in life. Even if he wishes me all the death in the land. So anyways just read his blog and it’s been a shit couple of weeks. So if you do come across this, it isn’t meant in any kind of hidden agenda shit way (I know how your mind works) but I hope things get better for you. I really hope you just take that how it’s meant.

Ok sign off nows

I am pooped. Night all x

So as a result I thought I would blog. It’s always a nice way to relax emptying out the brain and such. Things have been pretty good recently. Couple of bumps in the road but I do think I’m in a happy place, which is really nice :)

Got my life together, money is on track, got about 800 pounds saved up for a flat deposit now, so just looking around seeing if there are any nice places. Which there are. I feel like I am no longer running around, work is manic sure but why rush. When you can do your nine to five, then go home, see some friends, perhaps a love interest, everything sort of falls into place.

The weekends of course are always the best but suddenly my weekdays have become a hive of social activity. I know it’s weird because for months, all I wanted to do is sleep after work. I know have the balance right and I am happy with it. Just wished I had managed it sooner but nothing to be done about that.

I think I saw my ex last week sometime, To swap the rest of our stuff back. Finally got my laptop, which was a savior when my desktop threw in the towel. With a hard drive transplant though it survived, so I am merrily writing this on my half new desktop. It wasn’t the nastiest exchange of things, I did write a letter wishing him well, I have long past the point of holding onto old feelings now, I think we have both let go. So I hope he gets what he wants from life and it does feel good to be able to say that.

Work itself is going well, it is mega stressful but I guess if it wasn’t then it wouldn’t be a job.

I have also noticed I have become a lot more outgoing. I was quite so anyway but I think because who I am seeing, rather than one group of friends, but rather seeing lots of different people, I am meeting new people and just having fun and doing things a bit out there. Not to mention, Michaella who I am seeing a lot of at the moment, is pretty out there as a person lol. She has effectively claimed my room as a second home, which includes leaving a permanent toothbrush. We do joke that we might as well get hitched, but sometimes I worry she is playing a long game (joke).

I don’t know what it is, but touch wood everything is ok at the moment. I am just enjoying the good times. I don’t think I want a relationship yet but I have also calmed down on the slag. Just somewhere sort of in the middle, dabbling but not diving in completely. Which sounds like an obscene gay metaphor for a sexual act…. fml.

So it’s a case of ‘let’s see what life brings’ and enjoy it.

Peace x

I’m not gonna lie its been pretty interesting for me. Lot’s has gone on put it that way.

So my best friend visited from up north, she is a mutual friend of me and this girl Michaella. I fell out with Michaella a few years back, but after we both went out to see Sophie she started talking to me. Literally we have been inseparable since. A month has gone by, and we must have seen each other at least 90% of the days passed. We have both grown up a lot, and have so much in common. Not to mention this girl knows how to make me laugh my ass off. I can’t remember the last time i experienced so much laughter I cried. And this is like, constantly, not 5 minutes goes by without us doing something to make us piss ourselves. So this has been a very good experience.

Something else that deserves mention is work. It has been totally up and down, and cause of stuff going on in my personal life it has sometimes been a bit difficult to fake a smile. But my colleagues have been really understanding, and given me so much support. I couldn’t really ask for more from them. Basically I am a little bit in love with my job at the moment.

On the bad side of things, plans for me and the ex haven’t quite gone as well as I’d hoped, which really makes me giggle, simply cause its just so un-funny its fucking hilarious. We tried to stay friends, and that didn’t work cause he wasn’t happy with the way I was behaving in life. It cooled down for a couple weeks and then we started talking again and it was fine. Then the other night we went out, and well things kind of descended into chaos. Which included me jumping out of his car while it was on the move and him sneaking his way into my house. Basically we ended up in a full blown punch up, it was obvious we weren’t going to sort our differences so we just left it. Then On Friday he decided to go to the same club as me, and I accidentally threw a bottle of drink over him and his friends. Now when I say accident it really was. I was actually aiming for some nasty girl being a complete bitch to my girl mate Lauren. So yeah that all kicked off, which was fun. Luckily nothing physical happened, cause we all just would have got kicked out, and I was just up for clubbing in peace. So yeah that all got sorted and his friends proceeded to give me dirty looks for the night, which was arse numbingly brilliant. He also spent the rest of the night making out, with someone, in an attempt to piss me off, which was highly amusing to me and my friends, as well as being extremely ironic. 

So at the time this stuff with the ex really bothered me and it sucked. But after remembering the person he is deep down and seeing it, I actually realised I only wanted to stay friends because we had such a long history. When in actually fact I think he is a nasty person, and if I met him in a completely different context I wouldn’t actually want his company. Which has made it so much easier to pack up all his stuff and say goodbye. In the end I’m actually really excited for the next few months, and if Saturday night is anything to go by, I am really going to enjoy myself.

So hope this finds all of you well, take care XD

Im so confused, torn apart. Between myself. The me who wants to work hard, make a good income and save. find mr perfect and have my children and be the best dad ever. And the other guy, who wants to be free, liberated, under no pressure, living life to the full and partying. I dont know want to do… I guess this is how it feels to start growing up. The problem is whats my next step. It has to be perfect or I will be lost. I just need everything, and I dont know if I can handle this. Will be fine in the morning, but it shall always haunt me. I just broke up with my first ever love. It was great to be un-anchored, and do what I want. Hell I did. But now, I dont know if im secure in the waters im traversing… Or if im just lost at sea!!

Whether you’re recently single or you’ve been flying solo for a while it can be tempting to treat your current status as waiting time till you find ‘the one’. But have you ever stopped to think what you could be doing with your time instead? Here are some great things that are best done without a +1 in tow.

Go travelling
Most of us fantasise about the idea of packing up and jetting off to see the world at some time or another, but not so many of us actually get to do it. It’s a scary thing to do that reaps massive rewards – not least for the amazing sense of achievement at having taking the plunge in the first place. Leaving a partner behind is enough reason for a lot of us to shy away from the idea, so being single is the best position you could be in to globetrot.


Sleep star-shaped
Granted, it’s not quite as epic as seeing the world, but no one can dispute the sheer unadulterated pleasure gained from a good night’s sleep in a bed all to yourself - stretching out those limbs as far as they’ll go to all corners of the bed, rolling around, hogging the duvet, lying diagonally, the possibilities are virtually endless. Replace a partner with a hot water bottle and you won’t even miss the spooning.


Be spontaneous with arrangements
Your work buddy suggests drinks after work but you promised your partner you’d be home in time for dinner. An old friend calls you up at the weekend to suggest lunch, but you promised you’d attend your partner’s family get-together (even though you’d rather stick hot pokers in your eyes). Another half in your life means twice as many plans and it can often leave little room for spontaneity. The beauty of singledom is being the master of everything you do – whether it’s naff all on the couch after a hard day’s work or a cheeky boozy dinner on a Monday night.


Hang out with exactly who you want to
Duncan, 36 from South London says “my ex-girlfriend and friends really didn’t get on. It got increasingly tricky because she saw me making plans with them as a deliberate snub and I found myself turning certain stuff down just to avoid conflict.” Social freedom is an oft-overlooked advantage to being single. No annoying best friends, unbearable in-laws, no friendship jealousy.

Work the room at a party
Going to a party solo can be a terrifying prospect, but anyone who’s done it knows that it always works out fine. Your insecurities tell you that you look like a weirdo loner when the reality is that single people at a party have a certain allure. You may find you get more attention than you want, but being footloose and fancy free means you can talk and flirt with who you want, when you want for however long you want. Joy!


Have fun with guys and gals
You may not be looking for the love of your life, but that certainly doesn’t stop you from indulging in a fling or two. Dating is fun and it can be as serious or frivolous as you like. Throw yourself in it, try things you might not ordinarily do like going on a blind date or allowing yourself to be set up by a friend. Keep it light-hearted and it can be a real confidence-booster.

Be selfish
There are some things you just can’t really get away with in a relationship. You can’t finish the milk and not replace it in a reasonable amount of time, you can’t use up all the hot water in the shower, and you can’t splash out on a shopping spree if you’ve agreed to save for a holiday. Remove the source of guilt from the equation and you are free to be as utterly self-indulgent as you fancy.


Indulge in weird habits
From embarrassing work out videos to plucking the hairs on your legs, everyone has some sort of unconventional pastime that they get an unusual amount of pleasure from and that’s best done alone. Jayne, 28 from Birmingham says “I love putting on cheesy power ballads and standing in front of the mirror pretending I’m in the video. Before I split up with my boyfriend I found it really frustrating to not be able to act on the urge when it took me!”


Wear comfy underwear
Sexy undergarments look nice but they’re not a patch on your favourite loose-fitting M&S cotton numbers, and it doesn’t matter what they say, uncomfortable underwear just doesn’t make you feel as good as your trusty old, slightly off colour, pair. Not having to care about what you look like with the layers off is hugely liberating, make the most of it while you can.

Watch your programmes on TV
When you’re in a relationship, coordinating conflicting TV schedules and accounting fairly for varying tastes is near impossible and inevitably results in one party feeling hard done by. Catch-up TV might have gone some way to salvaging fractious couplings but there’s nothing like an evening of total uninterrupted back-to-back televisual indulgence.